If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
