How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
