Michael Bay diarrhea
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
