my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
