i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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