Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
