my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
