My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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