why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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