Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
