everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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