fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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