That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
