I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
