my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
