It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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