4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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