I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
