All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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