I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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