i just had sex bonerless
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
