My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
