How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
