Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
