Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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