dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
