Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
