woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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