apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
People in love make me want to vomit
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
