I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
