if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
