Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
