No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
