So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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