I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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