i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
