I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
