then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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