Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
