apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
and you fell through a lawn chair
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
