rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
