Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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