Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
