You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
