At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
