an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
