I accidentally burped into my bong.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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