Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
