He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
