the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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