If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
