How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
