I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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