Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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