I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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