What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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