Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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