Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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