im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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