remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
