He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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